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Post by Jacob "Mutherfuggin" Cruise on Aug 18, 2011 1:47:24 GMT -5
"Just a small town girl, Llivin' in a lonely world. She took the midnight train going anywhere."
The beginning of 'Don't Stop Believing' by Journey begins to blare over the bars loudspeaker. Cruise, in a drunken state of course, takes center stage to ham up this rock classic.
"Just a city boy, Born and raised in south Detroit. He took the midnight train going anywhere."
Confident in his ability from here on out, Cruise walks over to the screen feeding him the lyrics. Nonchalantly, he turns the screen off. All his help was now gone and this songs success would rely solely on Cruise's intelligence.
"Jerry Springer with a broken broom! Some Jell-o wine and cheap perfume; For a smile, they can fly a kite, It goes on and on and on and on and on and giggety giggety! I stole that from the....the family person...guy...show!"
There's a slight break in the lyrics here, Cruise remembers that thus far. Though, that seems to be about the only thing he remembers.
"Strippers, waving! Up and down the bullet tard!. They're shadows, searchin' for a knife. Streets bright! PEOPLE!, Livin' just to find Jack Daniels!, Hidin' somewhere with that kniiii-iiii-iiife!...
Wait, is the word knife?"
Guitar solo and what not breaks in as Cruise sways to the song. He waves his hand holding his beer in the air, trying to entice the crowd to join in. Its to no avail.
"Workin' yards to pay my bills. Like Nando! Every budddy wants a hill, Playin' anything with fuzzy dice! Just one more dime...
Jungle gym! Jungle juice! Some Bjorn is such abuse! Oh, this movie shows rear ends; It goes on and on and on and on!"
Unfortunately, this song goes on and on for a few more minutes. Cruise continuing to sloppily sing through it. Finally though, it reaches its finale. For a little extra pizazz, Cruise decided to do a stage dive. Unfortunately, there is no one below on the dance floor and Cruise lands face first.
"Its...its are ok! I didn't spillz meh beer!"
For this feat, some of the bars patrons do cheer. Slowly, Cruise stumbles back to his feet and makes it over to his buddies at the bar.
"You bitchez! You...dirty herpes carrying bitchez! You didn'tz catch mes!"
Bar Patron: Um dude, we don't know you.
Cruise focuses his vision a bit more. Nope, these weren't his friends. He had made his way to the wrong table.
"Oops! Sorry! Wrong bitchez!"
Cruise now makes his way over to his small group of comrades.
"Jam Rammy! Your turn buuuuddy! Singz me a little ditty!"
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Post by Remmy on Aug 19, 2011 1:18:15 GMT -5
That was his cue, or the closest thing he was going to get from his drunken beer brother from another bar mother. Remmy pushed himself off of the table he was sitting at, stumbling a bit before getting stable. If he didn't know any better, he would think he was on a boat. He might as well be. Everything seemed so topsy turvy and his legs were acting like they had a mind of their own. A quick slap to each of his own thighs to make them damn things subordinate before he started walking. He walked toward the stage of the karaoke bar they were at, slapping a high five with Cruise on his way over. Remmy headed over to where they had the list of songs that one could choose to sing...
"Hmm... That one nyukka... I'll take that one..."
He pointed to the song title in their little book list. Then he headed on over to the stage and grabbed the microphone. He looked out among the patrons at the bar, seeing a thumbs up given to him by the drinking partners he came here with. Remmy cracked a grin and waited for the instrumental to play. And that ever so familiar tune began to play from the speakers, causing Remmy to move one of his feet up and down to it. Oh yeah. He was beginning to feel it. If only he could get things to light up with just a step of his foot, things would be perfect. He'll just have to use his imagination for now. He pulled the microphone from it's stand and begun as the lyrics started to scroll down the screen...
"She was more like a scream queen... From a horror scene... I said, 'Don't mind, but what do you mean I am the one... Who will dance... in the ring... for a round...?" She said, I am the one... Who will dance... in the ring... for a round...~"
It wasn't the actual words to the song, but fugg' it. Maybe he was pulling from personal experience? Maybe this song was about something that really happened? Or maybe he was just making shiz up? Whatever the fugg' it was, these were the words that were crossing his mind as that classic Michael Jackson instrumental continue to play on...
"She told me her name was Jessie Blair, as she stood and stared... Then every head turned with eyes that dreamed of being the one.. Who will dance... in the ring... for a round...~"
Remmy began to snap his finger along with the beat as he started to rock his body to the beat. Fugg' yeah. Whenever someone played Michael Jackson, he couldn't help but get into it. Damn, if he didn't stay up for hours all night, trying to learn the King of Pop's dance moves in the past. Maybe he could remember some of them if he digs through the drunken haze in his mind. Time to get into it. He tipped his head back and raised the mic....
"Nyukkas always told me! 'Be careful Remmy, dude! And don't go around breaking these wimmenz' hearts!' And mother always told me! 'If it's no glove, no love! Lil' nyukka, be careful what you do! Before you wind up making a lil' you!' ...Yeah~
Jessie Blair is not my lover... She's just a girl... Who claims that I am the one! But the kid is not my son! She says, I am the one... But the kid is not my son...~"
And Remmy proceeded to move his legs now in the kind of way that Michael Jackson moved when he was getting ready to break into dance. Certainly, the Vodka he had been drinking had him channeling the dead pop singer right here in this karaoke bar tonight. Oh, but the song wasn't over yet...
"For thirty days and for thirty nights... We were out of sight... On the night stand, she was in demand... Made a nyukka go, 'GAWD DAMN...' 'Cause we danced... in the ring... for a round... So, take my strong advice... Just remember to always check twice... DO CHECK TWICE! Do check twice...Whoo!~"
Remmy grabbed his crotch ala Michael Jackson style after saying the last line. Hoping people got the reference he was trying to make when he was telling these people to check twice. But he continued on, hearing some of the bar patrons actually cheering. Did he have a good singing voice? In his mind right now, he damn sure did...
"She told my baby, we'd danced dirty... Then she looked at me... Then showed a photo... My baby cried... His eyes were golden like mine... 'Cause we danced... in the ring... for a round, baby!~
Hee hee hee...~
Nyukkas always told me! 'Be careful Remmy, dude! And don't go around breaking these wimmenz' hearts!'~
She came and stood right by me... Then the smell of blood came too.. This happened much too soon.. She called me to her room... WHOOO!~"
It was time for Remmy to take the song home now. He started to get fully into the song with a quick kick and a spin on his heels. He stopped sideways and held the microphone up to his face. Starting to slide his feet back, Moonwalker style, Remmy continued into the chorus...
"Jessie Blair is not my lover... She's just a girl... Who claims that I am the one! But the kid is not my son! She says, I am the one... But the kid is not my son...~
No.. no... no... No... no... No... no...NO!~"
...And before Remmy knew it, gravity had already began to take hold of him. His heels met the end of the stage, but it was much too late. He had already felt himself falling backwards, hanging onto the microphone for his dear life. The wire obviously couldn't keep Remmy up. So, down he went, Moonwalking himself off of the karaoke stage, yanking the microphone with him, and cracking the back of his head on the hardwood floor. The instrumental continued to play on while he laid there.
"Ugh... What the fugg' happened...? Ain't any of you nyukkas ever heard of a fuggin' Trust Fall?"
Remmy rolled over and dropped the microphone. At this point, the instrumental to "Billie Jean" had already ceased. He slowly made his way back to his feet. Damn hardwood floors. If that wasn't a good way to sober up, he didn't know what the fugg' was. And sobering up was simply something that Remmy could not have. Not tonight, anyways. He was going to have to remedy this headache with something.
Bar Patron: "You okay, dude? Took a nasty fall there."
"I'm good, I'm good. I've felt worse. The only thing I need to do right now is... SHOTS!"
Remmy signaled for a bartender to deliver a round of shots to his table as he headed back over to where Cruise and company had been sitting. He must've made a complete ass of himself on stage there and he damn sure knew they were going to bust his balls for that epic botch of the Moonwalk. Seriously. Who messes up something as simple as the Moonwalk? Ugh...
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Post by Fernando Castro on Aug 19, 2011 22:16:33 GMT -5
Bottles rattled in the plastic tub that was hardly held up by the strap over *this guy's* shoulders. It'd been a hard few weeks in Las Vegas for Fernando Castro. Lost his ass in the Bellagio, got a major fine for swimming in the Bellagio's pools, and spent the night in jail for trying to piss in sequence with the Bellagio's fountains. And that's just the stuff that they told him he'd done.
Jager's a hell of a drink. Something tells him he shoulda gave it up when it became a near frat-party exclusive. But, way too damn good. Too bad "way too damn good" confined him to being damn near homeless in Sin City... which, wasn't the worst thing that could happen to a guy. He hung out with a buncha celebrity look-a-likes over on Freemont. And actually made the Crow guy get pissed. Either way, his ass needed to get back to El Paso. Lawn jobs pay twice as much as this shit, and God knows he's tired of bussin' tables for drunk asses like the fools that just fell on his floor.
Watching this scene, his shoulders slump.
"Eeeeeeeh.... can someone get me a mop?" his heavily accented voice asked, to a waitress telling him to fuck off. Setting down his tub down, he grabs one himself, making sure to hard shoulder Remmy as he past, not recognizing either of the two in the dark of the bar. "Fuckin' assehole..." he says, hardly audible over the next karaoking fruit loop. Remmy may or may not of heard that. But, Fernando gets to work mopping the mess of sweat, dreadlock scuzz and spilled alcohol that Cruise actually did spill when he tumbled, pissed off.[/i]
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Post by Cameron Kincaid on Aug 19, 2011 23:30:29 GMT -5
*BAM!*
That was the sound of the bathroom stall door closing as Cam stepped out from it, zipping his fly up and making a bee line for the door. The 448 year old guy that was standing by the door with towels and all that other shit locked eyes with him, clearly wondering what in the hell Cam was doing. I mean this guy was like uber old. Like every time he fucked and came a cloud of dust and penis debris came from his cock. This dude was ancient!
Finally at the door, he grabbed the handle stopped only by the voice of Father time with…
“Now, I know you’re gonna wash your hands son?”
He then reached down grabbing a towelette (gay word for baby wipes motherfuckers) holding it up like he actually thought Cam was gonna take it.
“…..”
Cam only looked the old man up and down, before shaking his head…
“Bitch please… I wash my hands before I touch my cock… It’s a dirty world we live in. Keep it for your old wrinkly balls pops…”
Not even stopping to hear the man’s reply, Cam stepped back out into the small cramped hallway headed back to the bar to continue getting white boy wasted. While walking he seemed to be looking around, to each side and back behind him like he was looking for someone. Almost at the end of the hallway he heard..
“There you are handsome. Thought you had ditched me for a second there..”
“Jesus fuckin….I told you four times… I’m married and she will kill you…”
He instantly face palmed, but kept on walking as the feminine voice continued to talk while he made his way back to the bar to get back to celebrating with the guys.
“Soooooo, I was thinking. How’s about that date I asked you about earlier hm? I mean, I know it’s kind of forward and all but, really I think we hit it off pretty well don’t you? Not saying that it’s marriage time or anything but… Then again, when it’s real love why even wait?”
This retarded cock eyed bitch was stalking Cam all damn night. As soon as he walked in the door she was all over him. He couldn’t blame her for having good taste but Cam would feel more comfortable spending time with the Craiglist rapist to be honest.
Finally arriving back at the bar, he slams his palm on the bar top again talking directly to the bartender..
“Dude, give me another vodka double right now so I can muster up the strength to not pedigree this bitch on one of these bar stools will ya? Sheesh”
He took his seat at the bar, super stalker bitch sitting right next to him still running her motor mouth..
“So like you said you were a professional wrestler right?!”
“Uh… Yeah… I wre- - -“
“Oh that’s so exciting! Where all have you traveled to? Have you been to Japan?! Canada? Oh I bet you’ve met everyone in wrestling haven’t you? Oh that must be—“
Instantly Cam’s hand raises to cut her off, his eyes locked intently on her adam’s apple for a few seconds. His eyes pan between her eyes and her throat for a few moments, then back to her eyes specifically..
“Hey.. Are… Are you a fucking dude??!!”
“Wh- - What??!”
Cam swivels on his bar stool now fully facing her, him, or whatever you classify these people as. He leaned in closer but not too close, this guy may be one of those ass raping maniacs you hear about all the time… In San Francisco…
“Your fucking adam’s apple… Looks like someone tried to shove a watermelon down yer throat.. That… Shit… Is…HUGE! You’re a guy aren’t you? Ha Ha!!!! I can’t believe this shit. Pre-opt right?”
The woman was clearly offended, her face now showing anger as she responded..
“What?! Why I never! I am most certainly not a man! I’m 100 percent woman!”
“Bull fucking shit.”
Cam leans in closer again, just as his beer arrives. He takes a quick sip and then gets back to staring intently as he responds…
“Dude, you got a neck like Mike Tyson… “
“….”
“When you eat does it look like a Boa constrictor swallowing a small child?”
*SMACK!!!*
That was it. She had enough, and sent her hand flying across Cam’s cheek. He reeled back a bit from the slap, shaking it off as his hand found it’s way to his face before looking back to her again.
“Dude. You’re lucky I don’t beat… I don’t beat… Fuck I don’t even know what to call you things… People… Wh… She… He… Fuck it I’m gonna call you fuckers Shim’s from now on. That’s it. Shim, short for She-Him’s.”
*SMACK!!!*
“What the fuck dude?! You’re starting to piss me off! You’re making passes at me one minute, knowing damn well you got your 4 inch dick tucked underneath a knee pad under your sun dress, and then the next you’re slapping me because I called you out on it?! Aren't you people supposed to register when you move into a new neighborhood or something? We should have been warned!”
“I am not… A MAN!!!!”
Cam just stared at the wo…eerrrr… person’s upper lip, her jawbone and cheek areas…
“Coulda fooled me with that stubble sitting on yer face. Might wanna try some hair color for men too. You look like an 80 year old thundercat around where your sideburns are coming in… Yeah. The Grey doesn't work for you...”
“UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! FUCK YOU!!!!”
"I'm gonna have to drink a whole lot more than I have already for that to happen buddy...No sir-ee..."
The wo…..errr, damnit, I mean the person stands from the bar stool beside Cam with rage in her, reaching into her purse and grabbing a fist full of money before slamming down on the counter. Stepping towards the door of the bar, she stops, turns and faces Cam again, this time getting in his face, up close and personal…
“Your loss idiot! There are dozens of men who would have given an arm and a leg to be with me. See you In hell!”
Cam just cut his eye toward her as she darted for the door. Her fucking walk was even mad at this point as he turned back to the bar, taking up his drink one more time and taking a long gulp from it before responding to her last words, even though she was long gone and wouldn’t hear him…
“Whatever.. Go ahead and suck cock in the back alley for operation funds… Dumbass. You probably don’t even have an organ donor card. Probably.. Probably just a dick donor card… Bastard…”
Again he turns the glass upside down, pouring it down his throat in one fell swoop. It was gone in an instant, and he once again slammed the glass back to the bar top, eyeing the bartender to bring another. Then, he suddenly stopped in his tracks… Staring straight ahead of himself for a few seconds before his head dropped downward. Then just as suddenly as it had dropped it popped back up as he looked around to the people sitting around him, as well as the bartender….
*Long Pause*
“Gahdamnit… I’m missing the new Thundercats tonight. I think.. Wait… Fuck. Can anyone tell me if tonight is the night the new Thundercats comes on?!”
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Post by Jacob "Mutherfuggin" Cruise on Aug 20, 2011 11:01:12 GMT -5
On the bars big screen tv was one of the NFL's preseason games. Though these games were of no importance, many of the bars patrons seemed to be extremely invested in it. And why wouldn't they be, for preseason it had actually been a hell of a game. Here with only 5 seconds left on the clock, one team is set to kick a field goal. If they make it, they win the game in the last few seconds. The bar patrons are on the edge of their seats. The kicker takes his stance, the ball is hiked, the placeholder puts the ball in position, the kicker connects, the ball is on its way and the kick is.....At that exact moment, Cruise walks over and changes the channel.
"I'll find out for you Cam! Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Thundercats, Thundercats. Mimi's face is hairy enough she could probably pass for a Thundercat, thundercat!"
Many of the bar patrons are furious, one even shouts out:
Bar Patron: What the hell dude? Are you fucking stupid?!
Cruise, being the wise ass he is, replies with,
"Nope, I'm not fucking your wife....Hahaha...Oh, wait. Or am I?"
Cruise is lucky that he stands at 6"3 and has a decent build, otherwise he would probably have a few more ass whoopings coming his way than he actually got.
"Yeah, thats what I thought! You don't want to fuck with me baldy!"
The guy Cruise was directing these comments towards was by no means bald.
"Yeah, don't make me get my ethnic buddies on your ass. I mean, we got Rammy whose....Um.....well....He's something. And then Cam....He's...um....Some kind of Oriental....Like Asian...right? Right Cam!? Your Japanese aren't you? Fuck, I can't ever remember. Damn slant eye motherfucker...I think he's Jewish too. Damn JapaJew. Gotta catch um all. Atleast his credits good."
Having no luck finding the Thundercats on tv, Cruise puts it back on the sports channel. This relieving some of the tension in the air.
"So Jam Rammy my buddy...guy...person. Your...your song was....Beautiful. B-E-A-UTIFUL. I mean...Like beautiful. It was like watching a stripper dance on a pole. It was beautiful. And then...then you fell. Which...which was like the stripper falling off the pole...And I mean...You fell...like...down. But...but....but it was beautiful. You...sometime you have to teach me...How to sing like that! Like, how you just did....Not when you fell...But....when it was beautiful!"
Cruise goes to high five Remmy, but is completely ignored. Missing, Cruise tumbles forward into the bus boy. Not knocking him over, but definitely stumbling into him rather hard.
"Oh...oh my bad Pedro. That...actually no, it was Rammy's bad. Fuggin....guy! Do...is it offensive to you...that your called a bus boy? I mean...your not a bus...or a boy....And yet....your a busboy. Ya fuggin....yellow vehcile...male child...hybrid. What the fuck kind of....kind of name is that? Huh Pedro?"
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Post by Fernando Castro on Aug 20, 2011 13:17:40 GMT -5
"Pedro" shoves Cruise off of him, dropping the tub of bottles on top of the nearest table. A martini splashes off on some blonde's fake tits. "Yo, whatchu fuckin' doin', mang? I fuck you up worse than a Juarez cartel mule, sumbitch!"
Fernando had clearly had more than enough. He was broke, and basically meeting every negative stereotype of the Mexican people right now to the point where even he didn't want to joke about it. All he needed was some asshole to ruin that night. He shoves Cruise again. Hard. Back into the bar. Although Fernando was only 5'7", he sure as hell wasn't gonna take no shit from someone that wasn't even taller than him by the length of his dick. Grabbing Cruise around the collar, Fernando brings his fist back to strike, when the light catches Cruise's face just right. Immediately Fernando lets go.
"No shit! Fuckin' CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE!? Whattup, hommes?"
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Post by Remmy on Aug 21, 2011 4:37:25 GMT -5
"Hey! Don't blame it on me, nyukka! Fuggin' bastard! Always blamin' me for ya wrong doin'. Ya make me wonder sometime 'bout you, dude. Better not catch yer ass runnin' around here in one of them black suit and ties, with the black shades and shit. Hoppin' down 50 story buildings like yer fuggin' Superman or somethin'. Gotta watch out for them. I know those damn Secret Service bastards are around here somewhere. All named Mr. Smith or somethin'. They black bag yer ass in a second. Blamin' me and shit. Get yer sea legs in order, landlubber! If ya gotta blame it on anything, ya gotta blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol. Or the fuggin' bus boy here. He always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fuggin' bastard."
Remmy took a moment to mean mug the guy Cruise was talking to. The guy went ahead and stiffed him earlier in the shoulder. Can't watch out where he's going. It's not like there's not elbow room in this place. It was a karaoke bar for Christ sakes. Not one of the many strip clubs in this fine city. Why they bothered coming here instead of getting luscious hooters shoved in their faces was beyond him. Remmy then saw the busboy starting to grab up on Cruise like he was going to throw down. Was he going to let that happen? Hell no. They can catch a beat down like anyone else. As long as they don't sue them. He wondered if he brought his checkbook or not. Fugg it. Remmy came stomping over to the two and said...
"Put my nyukka down before I---Hold up... OH SNAP! NANDO! Hahaha! GAWDamn nyukka. Where the fugg you been at? Hahaha! Almost came on over up and sucker punched you, dude. Ya gotta stop lookin' like one of these servers here, nyukka. You ever get yer lawnmower back from the Feds? Or Federales? Or ya know... "Them?"
Remmy nodded with his eyebrows lifted. He know "they" were watching. "They" were always watching. If you got out of line,"they" put you back in your place. Whether or not you'll be alive by the end of that ordeal, that's up to "them." Fuggin' government. He gave a quick look around to see whether or not there were any cameras or Men in Black keeping tabs on them.
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Post by Cameron Kincaid on Aug 21, 2011 11:53:43 GMT -5
"Awwww. Its like the gayest alcoholic reunion ever. I'm touched. Touched like a little white boy at Michael Jackson's house for the weekend... Which translates to 'fucked'..."
Cam only kept drinking after seeing the little deal between Cruise, 'Nando & Remmy. Truth was he didn't even know the other 2 would be here after Cruise invited him down for the weekend to celebrate his World title win. Which.. Cam deserves much credit for because of his inspiration he gives Cruise just by living every day. He was Cruise's hero as well as his GAWD!
He picks his drink up from the bar, turning and making his way over to the small gathering shaking his head back and forth as he responded...
"So, yeah, it's good to see all you guys again but... Did anyone notice that hideous gila monster looking creature that was stalking me earlier in the night? The scaly skin and bugged out eyes. Tits were immaculate. I mean really but everything else was just... Blah. Kind of looked like Jacob's mom to be honest. *Shivers* One of you assholes probably put her up to it. Meh, fuck it. 'Nando! Remmy! How goes it in the land of conspiracy theories & long days of reading lawnmower digest?!"
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Post by Fernando Castro on Aug 21, 2011 20:30:41 GMT -5
Nando's eyes lit up seeing Cam, before glancing at Cruise and raising an eyebrow...
"Wow... yo it's good to see you two made up over that whole butt-fuckin' thing..."[/color]
Fernando shivered as he finished that statement...[/i]
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Post by Cameron Kincaid on Aug 21, 2011 20:36:05 GMT -5
Cam only nodded his head in 'Nando's direction stepping over to his good friend and tag partner, Jacob Cruise and patting him on the back in a friendly way.."Well... Jacob and I have been friends for a long time.. Been through a lot together. Lived together. Been on the road together... Gotten drunk and high together. Been to AA together.. Fake weddings by psychotic ass women together....*sigh*..."
"..."
"So....What's the big deal about me fucking his sister in the ass a few times? I mean really.. It was her 19th birthday and who better to break the little harlot in eh? That's water under the bridge... Cum on the back... R. Kelly's piss on the face... Whatever that saying is... But hey, life goes on..."Immediately back to gulping down his drink .
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Post by Fernando Castro on Aug 21, 2011 20:44:42 GMT -5
Fernando shook his head...
"No, I mean that one time I walked in on you guys when we was in Chicago, mang... I mean, I was so fucked up from witnessin' that shit that I quit the biz, dude. You guys.... you guys was so hammered and shit wasn't right... and now me bringin' it up is fuckin' up all my councillin'.... goddammit!"
Fernando buried his head into his hands...
"Unless you guys got married. That's cool, y'know. And makes a happy endin' out of a pure drunken happy ending segment too. Seriously, Remmy... I don't think I could name half the five dollar shit liquor bottles they had all over the floor when they was cock-knockin...."
side note: LOL
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Post by Jacob "Mutherfuggin" Cruise on Aug 22, 2011 8:43:39 GMT -5
"I....I think I recall...call the recall...the night...That Pedro is...Is talking about. No, no...just...hear me out. Hear me....out."
Cruise takes a few chugs of his beer, then places it on the table. He had to have his hands free to truly explain the story. He begins waving his arms around, setting up the story. He always told stories better when he was drunk...
"So you see...In a land far away....There was a time.....There was a day....and it was this day....that I'm talking about. Me and Cam we're gonna party it up. I think we just won a match or something that I completely carried us in. So, I busted out my Ninetendo Wii...and Cam got us some snacks...Which mostly consisted of things like cashews, and almonds and peanuts...That kinda...shit!"
Cruise couldn't leave the bottle alone for long. He picks it up, downs it, motions for the bartender to get him another, then continues...
"So, theres...there we ares. Cam is going crazy with my Wii...And I'm going to town on his salty nuts. So I start to play with my WII too. And wanting the upper hand....I throw some nuts in Cam's face. This....this distraction-ates-tions-is....him...You know, Cam always gets disctraction-ated by nuts in the face and I start to pull ahead. Well, Cam goes all crazy and starts getting way to rough with my WII. So, I get pissed off and I'm about to yell at him...and bam....I start choking on Cam's salty nuts."
Many of the bars patrons turn to face Cruise as he says that last statement rather loudly.
"So here I am, choking on Cams nuts....my face turning bluer than Smurf shit. And Cam, that selfish bastard just keeps at my WII. Finally, I get his attention...and Cam...Cam-a-lama-ding-dong...Freaks out. He don't know what to do about me choking on these nuts. So, he throws me over the couch arm, and from behind, wraps his arms around my gut. And from there, as hard as he can...He just keeps forcing it in and out...in and out....The air in my lungs that is. Finally, I cough up the nut I was choking on...and well...Cam saved my life. That must have been what you saw Pedro."
Not realizing just how gay that had sounded, Cruise takes his new beer and begins to chug it down.
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Post by Fernando Castro on Aug 22, 2011 11:33:04 GMT -5
hope no1 walks into my office... literally LOLing
"You guys play WII with yer pants off?"
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Post by Remmy on Aug 22, 2011 11:42:45 GMT -5
"And this is why the government thinks that video games are dangerous. I mean, really! If you guys didn't have video games, you wouldn't have worked up an appetite and then Cam's salty nuts would never have become an issue. This is why I never play Wii, Kinect, or Move. People always want to Kinect my Wii to theirs so Wii can Move. And I'm just like... No, nyukka, no."
Remmy swipes a glass of who-knows-what off of a waitresses tray. Must've been delivering a round of drinks to the table across the bar. He saw his opportunity to snatch free booze, so he took it. Like a ninja. Snatch! And proceeded to casually take a drink from it before continuing...
"I'd rather just crash on the couch and go old school with the controller. Don't want to see my ass ending up one that Wii Have A Problem website. Nuh uh. Not me, nyukka. That shiz is dangerous."
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Post by Jacob "Mutherfuggin" Cruise on Aug 23, 2011 11:07:52 GMT -5
"Nando.....Nando-rino...."
Cruise snatches one of the shots Remmy had just jacked. Double steal for the win.
"When I'm drunk...I does everything with mah pants off! Except cook! I made teh cheesey-burgerz once...Some grease popped up...and well....thats all I gotsa say about that."
Cruise downs the shot. He was numb enough now that he hardly felt it, or could even tell what it was. But he sure knew he wanted another!
"Rem...Remmy! You...your funny! The thing with the Kinnect and the Wii....and the...haha...WII....Hah...your funny. We...we all know though why your a hater. You got mad that one time we tried to play Kinnect...And the sensor bar couldn't find you....Yous was like...I ain't playing hide n' seek mother fugger! Haha...then you got all mad and accused my Xbox of being racist. Nyukka, how the hell can a machine be racist? Tell...explain me that!"
Cruise pauses for a moment...Not for any obvious reason, he just pauses.
"There you are Cam!"
Cam had been there the whole time.
"I...I really should come clean....Haha...come...no, no...stop laughing Cam, I got something to say!"
Cruise was the only one who had been laughing...
"That....the chick you boned...She wasn't really my sister. I just told you that....Cause I knew....I knew! You....you would fuck her if I said that. Cause, you got some kind of issue...*hiccup* with me! And beef. Yeah, wheres the beef? No. No. No, really...she was some crazed fan chick....Said she would give me two hundred...Yeah, two hundred bucks if I could hook her up with you.....Easiest money I ever made...haha..."
Cruise turns back to the bar...
"Round of shots for my homeboys here! Just put it on my tab! Yeah, the names Cameron Kincaid. Wooooo!"
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